I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
