Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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