Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Hippo gnu deer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
