I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
