i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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