I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
