so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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