so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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