quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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