time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
