I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
