he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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