my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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