I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
