I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
