bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
