Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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