i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
