im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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