it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
