Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
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I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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