she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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