Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
