as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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