Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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