My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
