You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
