I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize