I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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