Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
