It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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