$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
