my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
