a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Randomize
