only if we run a train.
done.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
