Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
