my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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