That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
