I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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