god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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