Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Of course I have a pirate flag
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
