Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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