My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
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I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
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I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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