The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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