can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
