If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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