I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
