Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
