so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
