i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
