She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
