I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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