we have officially lost it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
