ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
